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Recently I have been inundated with requests for marriage and couples counselling. Whilst they all have different circumstances, there is a common theme - lack of communication.

For some reason we end up communicating with other people about our issues, and not the person we are supposed to be on the same team with. We have to be careful with what we share with our friends and family, here's why:

Your friends and family have skin in the game - you. And it's perfectly natural for you to want to vent your frustrations with them and decompress. But you have to be careful about what you say, because you'll end up sharing one side of the story and particularly if you don't hold back or give proper context in your conversations then you'll end up really painting your partner in a bad light, and this will forever taint your loved ones image of your partner in their minds.

Have you really tried communicating with your partner? Have you tried different styles of communication? Write a letter if you're scared of a confrontation. Send voice notes instead of texts so that the tone of the message isn't misinterpreted. Get a neutral third party involved. Couples counselling can be a long or a short process, it's up to you how much work you want to put in and how much help you think is necessary. I have had people book in for two sessions before. It's up to them at the end of the day.

One thing that I always tell my clients, no matter what issue they are coming for, is that they are always building a version of themselves by the choices they make. So when it comes to your relationship really ask yourself if you are actively participating in the health of your relationship, or actively participating in the demise of your relationship.

Refusing to communicate - demise

Entertaining other people - demise

Speaking badly about your partner - demise

Whenever someone is speaking about an affair that broke apart their marriage the same sentence comes up - ''One thing lead to another''. And I think sometimes that people say that phrase without truly understanding what it means. Of course one thing lead to another, just as one step at a time leads you further down the road that you are on. So if you took one step towards unfaithfulness then you have actively put yourself on that path. And if you send one more text, flirt one more time, dismiss your partner again, take any other action that is not going to prosper your relationship, you are ACTIVELY taking steps and actions towards the breakdown of your relationship or marriage.

We all know when we shouldn't be doing something. It's when you continue participating in it that it really gets you in to trouble. It takes on a life of it's own, it gathers momentum. What began as a flirty remark here, and texting late into the night there, or lying to our partner ends up ruining lives. Don't lie to yourself about the power in those first steps.

You choosing to focus on all the negatives. You choosing to bad-mouth your partner to others.

You choosing to respond to flirtations with other people.

You doing nothing to make your relationship healthier.

All actions that are leading to the demise of your relationship.

A healthy relationship NEVER involves name-calling or insults. This is something that categorically is unacceptable. If you love that person they are on your team, and you value each other for who you are. I think it says a lot about a person if they resort to name-calling in general, and raises questions about their mental and emotional maturity.

Self-love is so important, because it really shows the rest of the world how to treat us. It's so natural for self-love to be a difficult concept for us to grasp, but essentially it is the concept of us being worthy of love and respect. If you wouldn't want an innocent child to be treated or spoken to how you are treating others or others are treating you, then you know there is an issue that needs to be fixed.

One thing I have learnt is that nothing is insurmountable. Even the most horrific things that you can imagine become distant memories at some point, we heal and we move on. If you're in a relationship that has a healthy foundation of respect, trust and honesty then issues can be worked out and overcome. If there is something more insidious built in to the bones of your relationship then it may be a good indicator that there is something within you that was attracted to that for a reason, which you absolutely can work through.

But no matter where you are in life and what you are currently facing I'll repeat - one thing lead to another.

What steps and actions are you taking?

What version of you, what kind of a person are you building?

What life are you actively creating?

If you eat junk food you are actively creating disease. If you are unfaithful you are actively creating pain and destruction.

What are you actively creating?


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